An open letter to Simon Cowell

Dear Simon,

With all that Rage Against The Machine nonsense that happened over Christmas, you've probably noticed that some people are sick of X Factor. Also, it's been going a while, so it needs a bit of a rejig to keep it fresh. I think the main problem is the songs people are singing.

Mariah week? Big Band week? Wham week? Movie songs week? These were all very dull weeks. You need better weeks. I've come up with a few ideas to get you started.

• Holy Bible week. Contestants sing songs taken from the Manic Street Preachers' harrowing 1994 bleakfest, The Holy Bible.
  
  
• TV week. Contestants sing the themes to popular TV shows and adverts. This can range from doing the full Only Fools and Horses, to just going “doo doo doo doo” to the theme from Animal Hospital. Anyone doing an advert has to repeat the jingle enough times for it to fill the two minute slot eg Autoglass repair, Autoglass replace x 23.
  
  
• Electropop week. Contestants sing songs by one of three artists: Pet Shop Boys, Erasure and The Human League. At a push, they might be allowed to do Only You by Yazoo.
  
  
• Northern Soul week. Contestants sing hopelessly obscure but entirely uplifting Northern Soul songs. They also have to do that mental fast dancing where they sprinkle talcum powder on the dancefloor first.
  
  
• Paul Simon and Ice T week. Contestants sing one song by tiny harmonic Jew Paul Simon and one song by big shouting cop killer Ice T.
  

Let me know what you think Si.
Love Paul

PS I've heard you're ill and Louis Walsh has had to take your place on Britain's Got Talent. Get well soon.