Sicko Olympics

While listening to the new Chris Evans breakfast show this morning, I got a 'real nasty surprise'. What was so surprising? That Chris Evans is actually funnier than Terry Wogan? No, he isn't, though he's not as arrogant as he used to be, and rock radio has been driving me nuts with its guitar nazi regime*.

Focus man!

Ahem.

The reason I got a 'real nasty surpise' this morning while listening to Chris Evans wasn't when he was talking arse inbetween the bland playlist, and it wasn't when he was playing the music that forms the bland playlist, it was during a news report about the winter Olympics in Vancouver.

The 'real nasty surprise' wasn't that a man died on the luge this week, though that was undeniably horrible, that would be a 'horrible' surprise.

It wasn't related to the fact that I went to primary school with one of the figure skaters, David King, who i'd like to congratulate on his first Olympics. The 'real nasty surprise' made me throw up into the canal as I was having a relaxing stroll.

This is the truth. There is a sick new event in the winter Olympics called 'Bob Skeleton Slaying'. This morning there was an interview with one of the Slayers! I can only imagine its something like that scene in Jason and the Argonauts with all the skeletons, except with more snow and the skeletons are all called Bob for no other reason than to humiliate them and make it fun for kids and old ladies.

What the old ladies don't realise is that they are quite close to taking part in this orgy of madness themselves. The Canadian government have spent the last four years shipping in hapless old people from all over the world, upon death they join the Canadian army of the undead in Calgary**.

What do you think about 'Bob Skeleton Slaying'? Leave us your thoughts below.

Brother John


* With the exception of 'The Final Countdown' by Rainbow, and 'Jump' by Van Halen
** Allegedly

THE BRITS

Paul - So, it's the Brit's tonight. Here's my guide to who should win, but won't because Florence and her infernal Machine are going to clean up. BOO.

John - I feel more detached from the mainstream charts than I ever have, I will try to pick some favourites but please forgive my unreasonably bitter nature.

British Male Solo Artist
Calvin Harris
Dizzee Rascal
Mika
Paolo Nutini
Robbie Williams

Paul's Pick: Dizzee Rascal
John's Pick: Dizzee Rascal

British Female Solo Artist
Bat for Lashes
Florence & the Machine
Leona Lewis
Lily Allen
Pixie Lott

Paul's Pick: Lily Allen
John's Pick: My mum can sing better than them all, she has been a member of the Rosley parish choir since the seventies, what was Florence doing then? Thats right she was dead (unborn).

British Breakthrough Act
Florence & the Machine
Friendly Fires
JLS
La Roux
Pixie Lott

Paul's Pick:JLS
John's Pick: La Roux, though I don't like her CGI hair, needs better special FX, a bit Phantom Menace for my tastes.

British Group
Doves
Friendly Fires
JLS
Kasabian
Muse

Paul's Pick:JLS (NB This is the worst British Group lineup there has EVER BEEN.)
John's Pick: Kingfishers Catch Fire

MasterCard British Album
Dizzee Rascal - Tongue n’Cheek
Florence & the Machine - Lungs
Kasabian - West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum
Lily Allen - It’s Not Me, It’s You
Paolo Nutini - Sunny Side Up

Paul's Pick: Lily Allen - It’s Not Me, It’s You
John's Pick: I like the name of Kasabian's album

British Single
Alesha Dixon - Breathe Slow
Alexandra Burke Ft Flo Rida - Bad Boys
Cheryl Cole - Fight For This Love
Joe McElderry - The Climb
JLS - Beat Again
La Roux - In For The Kill
Lily Allen - The Fear
Pixie Lott - Mama Do
Taio Cruz - Break Your Heart
Tinchy Stryder Ft N-Dubz - Number 1

Paul's Pick:Dizzee Rascal - Bonkers (Seriously, why is this not on the list?)
John's Pick: My niece is a big fan of Mama Do by Pixie Lott

Critics' Choice
Ellie Goulding
Delphic
Marina & The Diamonds

Paul's Pick: Don't much care as long as it's not Delphic
John's Pick: NULL (Fuck off Delphic)

BRITs Album of 30 Years
Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head
Dido - No Angel
Dire Straits - Brothers in Arms
Duffy - Rockferry
Keane - Hopes & Fears
Oasis - (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?
Phil Collins - No Jacket Required
Sade - Diamond Life
The Verve - Urban Hymns
Travis - The Man Who

Paul's Pick: Travis - The Man Who (Travis are ace. Or at least they were for this album and this album only.)
John's Pick: What on earth does this award even mean?

The BRITs Hits 30
Bee Gees - Stayin’ Alive/How Deep is Your Love
Bros. - I Owe you Nothing
Coldplay - Clocks
Eurythmics & Stevie Wonder - Angel
Girls Aloud - The Promise
Kanye West - Gold Digger
Kylie Minogue - Can’t Get You Out of my Head
Michael Jackson - Earth Song
Paul McCartney - Live & Let Die
Pet Shop Boys - Go West
Robbie Williams & Tom Jones - The Full Monty Medley
Scissor Sisters - Take Your Mama
Spice Girls - Wannabe/Who Do You Think You Are
Take That - Beatles Medley
The Who - Who Are You

Paul's Pick: Pet Shop Boys - Go West (If you haven't seen it, do. There's 150 Welsh miners singing with lamps on their heads and Tenno descends from the ceiling in a cherry picker. Also, Tenno and Chris are both wearing pristine white miner's jackets, which isn't very practical for people who work in a dirty hole underground, but looks amazing if you're a pop star.)

John's Pick: Is this actually an award for the best song of the last 30 years? Where is Smooth by Santana and Rob Thomas?

International Female Solo Artist
Lady Gaga
Ladyhawke
Norah Jones
Rihanna
Shakira

Paul's Pick:Lady Gaga
John's Pick: Lady Gaga

International Male Solo Artist
Bruce Springsteen
Eminem
Jay-Z
Michael Buble
Seasick Steve

Paul's Pick:Jay-Z
John's Pick: Can anybody find me! Somebody to love!

International Album
Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion
Black Eyed Peas - The End
Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream
Jay-Z - The Blueprint 3
Lady Gaga - The Fame

Paul's Pick:Lady Gaga - The Fame Monster
John's Pick: Reluctantly voting for Lady Gaga again, I do think she's the best listed here but she needs to sort out her crappy rave keyboard presets

International Breakthrough Act
Animal Collective
Daniel Merriweather
Empire of the Sun
Lady Gaga
Taylor Swift

Paul's Pick:Lady Gaga

John's Pick: Did you know that Manchester Evening News is no longer property of the Guardian Media Group? GMG has sold its regional media business to Trinity Mirror for just £7.4m in cash, a deal that severs its 200-year relationship with Manchester, the city where The Guardian was founded.

Outstanding Contribution Award
Robbie Williams

Paul's Pick: Scott Walker
John's Pick: Scotty Engel

Keep keep eating, they keep keep eating corn.

Leona Lewis is outraged that they were going to serve foie gras at the Brit Awards.

But now, thanks to some Twitter whining from the horse-faced warbler, it's off the menu.

"I was outraged 2 hear that the Brit Awards were planning 2 serve foie-gras at the ceremony”, blasted the 2008 X Factor winner.

"In case u didn't no, Foie-gras is duck that is forced fed in a sickening cruel process and is banned in the uk."

Like the sickening, cruel process by which your music is force-fed to us lot, Leona? Not to mention the sickening, cruel way in which Leona tortures the English language. And basic facts (foie gras isn't banned in the UK).

Anyway, foie gras tastes amazing. If you've not had it, it tastes like really rich butter. You can't eat too much of it, or you get gout.

Leona should stop whining on about the poor ickle ducky-wuckies and concentrate on making something as good as Bleeding Love again.

That Happy song was rubbish and Simon Cowell is going to get rid of her if she doesn't have another hit soon.

I'd imagine she'll be less bothered about the mistreatment of cute little animals when she's playing cruise ships with Steve Brookstein.

Plague Doctors in the Studio

We did some recording on Monday night. We convened at Kraak just in time to catch the end of Politburo's rehearsal. They were sounding good, like a panda in a bakery. Nick said he'd almost passed out through overheating, probably because he was wearing a woolly jumper under a thick leopard skin coat. He may have nearly died, but he looked great, which is the main thing.

Pleasantries exchanged, us Doctors got down to business recording vocals for We Killed Everyone At Radio 1 and Snipping Off Your Face. It went well, which was unusual. Plague Doctors recording sessions tend to descend into agonising torture, with John telling me I'm singing out of tune and me not being able to hear my out-of-tuneness due to my bad ears and having to do the same bit again and again until everyone goes a bit mad. But not this one. We were done and dusted in under an hour.

To celebrate, John and I ate Crème Eggs in the street and drank beer in Trof. Then we tried to buy some Guinness Foreign Extra (it's from Nigeria) but the bar was shut, so we went and drank some horrible whisky and felt ill the next day.

Our new recordings are being mixed by Dom off of Politburo, who runs Kraak, and they will be available on the Cabinet of Curiosity album that's coming out at some point. Eyes peeled etc.

An open letter to Simon Cowell

Dear Simon,

With all that Rage Against The Machine nonsense that happened over Christmas, you've probably noticed that some people are sick of X Factor. Also, it's been going a while, so it needs a bit of a rejig to keep it fresh. I think the main problem is the songs people are singing.

Mariah week? Big Band week? Wham week? Movie songs week? These were all very dull weeks. You need better weeks. I've come up with a few ideas to get you started.

• Holy Bible week. Contestants sing songs taken from the Manic Street Preachers' harrowing 1994 bleakfest, The Holy Bible.
  
  
• TV week. Contestants sing the themes to popular TV shows and adverts. This can range from doing the full Only Fools and Horses, to just going “doo doo doo doo” to the theme from Animal Hospital. Anyone doing an advert has to repeat the jingle enough times for it to fill the two minute slot eg Autoglass repair, Autoglass replace x 23.
  
  
• Electropop week. Contestants sing songs by one of three artists: Pet Shop Boys, Erasure and The Human League. At a push, they might be allowed to do Only You by Yazoo.
  
  
• Northern Soul week. Contestants sing hopelessly obscure but entirely uplifting Northern Soul songs. They also have to do that mental fast dancing where they sprinkle talcum powder on the dancefloor first.
  
  
• Paul Simon and Ice T week. Contestants sing one song by tiny harmonic Jew Paul Simon and one song by big shouting cop killer Ice T.
  

Let me know what you think Si.
Love Paul

PS I've heard you're ill and Louis Walsh has had to take your place on Britain's Got Talent. Get well soon.

Cheryl Cole made out of cheese

Here is a picture of Cheryl Cole made out of cheese.

Here are some other pop-related people made out of cheese.

• Edamski
• Paris Stilton
• Brie-an McFadden
• Babybel & Sebastian
• Mozzer-ella
• Le Roulé
• Simon The Laughing Cow-ell
• Wensleydale Winton
• Pecorino Bailey Rae
• Ched(dar)ward
• Blue

Can you think of anymore? Why not let us know?

England's Brave John Terry

So England's Brave John Terry had an affair with Wayne Bridge's girlfriend. What a brave boy! And he got her pregnant! And paid for an abortion! Brave little soldier.

Actually, I'm not sure anyone's worried about the morals of the whole piece; it's far too removed from reality for any normal person to care about. A rich man had an affair with an attractive woman? French underwear models, childhood sweethearts, cuckolded team-mates? Heard it all before, really. It's all a bit Footballer's Wives. What people are upset about is the fact that he tried to cover it up. Not so brave on that count, were we John?

Going to court to get a super-injunction to stop the papers printing details of the affair was his biggest mistake. You don't tell the tabloid press they can't do something: they don't like it. And he also gave all the papers plenty of time to get their stories together; his affair was an open secret. So when the super-injunction got overturned, the whole of Fleet Street simply printed the stories they'd had for weeks and John Terry ended up on the front page of every tabloid newspaper on Saturday and Sunday. They saved the bit about the abortion for the Sunday papers, just to upset him even more.

It was incredible. He even kept Tony Blair giving evidence at the Chilcot inquiry off the front page. A rich man having an affair with an attractive woman was bigger news than a former Prime Minister explaining why he took the country to war.

If he'd just admitted it at the time, he'd have still made a few front pages, but nothing like what happened at the weekend. That's what happens when you upset the newspapers, John. They get you.