Instrumental Sampler of 'Cornflakes and Flesh' our upcoming album

Deep in the Kastle Inkredible, we Plague Doctors have been beavering away trying to make an album that can stand up to the reputation of our live shows. It's not been an easy ride, the surface world has been very distracting this year, months of our lives have been lost in our office worker guises. I need not repeat that this is a necessary evil, we have to gather more credits to survive, we have very expensive tastes.

Its taken us an age but we've put together an instrumental sampler of some of the songs recorded so far, fans of Je m'appelle need not fear, we're working on that one right now...

Press Play Now.

Eurovision

On Saturday it’s the 55th annual Eurovision Song Contest. I love pop music and I love a competition, so Eurovision is pretty much my idea of heaven.
There’s no escaping that the UK has done abysmally in Eurovision over the past few years, despite efforts by such luminaries as Andrew Lloyd Webber and Pete Waterman to turn things around. Hell, The Plague Doctors even gave it a try, but to no avail.
The fact is, we haven’t managed to put a decent singer together with a decent song since Katrina and the Waves won in 1997 with Love Shine A Light. And they were American.
In truth, I’m not sure that will change this year. The UK’s entry, I Can, by recently reformed Blue, isn’t that great, but it should get more than nul points.
Having watched the semi-finals, it’s shaping up to be another great night of pop music and competition. And then you start to think, once a year isn’t enough. Wouldn’t it be great if we had a song contest where acts fought it out weekly to be the most popular? On the television? For half an hour on a Thursday or Friday night?
Then you remember that we used to have this. It was called Top of the Pops and the BBC axed it in 2006.
THE IDIOTS.

In summary: Bring back Top of the Pops.

ROYAL WEDDING

I'm very excited about the Royal Wedding. On the day, I'm having a wedding breakfast of champagne and smoked salmon in my morning suit, then after the ceremony I'm heading outside for a street party, where there'll be spam sandwiches and Coronation chicken in top hat and tails.

However, I want to know more about what Wills and Diana 2.0 are going to be doing after the wedding. In the evening, Prince Charles is apparently giving a private dinner in their honour, followed by dancing. This sounds like it could be 'the do', but the reference to dancing is disappointingly vague. What are they going to be dancing to? More importantly, what will be the first dance? WE NEED TO KNOW.

Here's my tips:

James Blunt - You're Beautiful

They seem like the type that would have this as 'their' song. You know, a bit thick. Plus James was in the army and is massively posh, and so was and is William, so that's got to count for something.

Kanye West - Gold Digger

I just did an internet search and Prince William recently admitted to liking Linkin Park and Kanye West. I don't know enough Linkin Park to know if they've got any songs that would be hilarious to hear at the Royal Wedding party, but I'm guessing that they absolutely don't. However, the chorus to Gold Digger would certainly leave those in the Middleton camp in danger of choking on their Dubonnet and cokes. You can also imagine Prince Philip, nay, the entire Royal family, enjoying the song for its employment of racist terminology.

Abba - Dancing Queen

The internet also revealed that Kate Middleton likes Abba. First dance, Dancing Queen, job done.

Bodyrockers - I Like The Way You Move

It's their favourite song, apparently. Probably not the classiest of first dances at a wedding, but it's their day, let them do what they like.

Sebastien Tellier - La Ritournelle

Not a chance, I just wanted to mention it because it would be an amazing first dance at a wedding.

Elton John - Candle In The Wind '97

Probably not.

(Although the double A-side, Something About The Way You Look Tonight, would be a good shout.)

Inside report on The Plague Doctors' new album

"I've never been totally satisfied with our sound" admits Brother John to me while tenderly placing a glass eye into his latest creation, a giant Peruvian Pelican. Everyone in this realm needs a source of income and The Plague Doctors are no different, Brother John J Hazakiah is a half arsed taxidermist, one of the most average in all of Britannia.

Digressions aside, the amount of effort the band have put into making their recorded music sound impressive pales in comparison to the amount of effort they have put into making their live shows entertaining. After a disappointing run on the live scene in 2010 and fearing their own mortality, the brothers decided it was time to focus on making some good recordings.


Brother John hard at work in The Kastle Inkredible

Six months ago they auctioned off a parlour full of Brother Paul II's family heirlooms and two of his Saabs, using filthy cash to buy up lots of exciting equipment that they will never fully understand.

The Plague Doctors are partially funded by a mysterious benefactor, my boss Mr Leonard Skully PhD. Last week he asked me to collect a microfilm of their work so far, naturally I've made a copy of it and here's one of the unfinished tracks...

Download Album Preview Track Here

Those boys won't be happy when they find out what i've done, i'm putting myself at risk here, I especially fear that big one who does the camp rapping. With any luck it'll give them a kick up the arse though and they'll actually finish something.

Milton Bigglesworth, secretary to Leonard Skully PhD


Mr Hazakiah, he stormed out of the room as soon as i'd taken this, we don't get on.

The Plague Doctors Sell Out

We haven't played any gigs for ages, for a variety of boring reasons. But don't worry, we're not just sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves, we're making PLANS.

John is beavering away in his bunker, tinkering with all kinds of magical devices in his endless quest to create the perfect sound. I'm coming up with all kinds of malelovent and malodorous schemes to make sure that The Plague Doctors remain the most incredible band in town.

I can't go into specifics, but what you need to know is that there will be CHANGES. The overall aim is to be reborn as a SERIOUS MUSICAL OUTFIT.

We want to burrow our way into the hearts of fans of the real music fans. Those people who don't like pop music, they like REAL music. People who like Mumford and Sons and Ellie Goulding. People who bought the xx album and think that the xx are their 'special' band despite the fact that everybody else in the whole stinking world is into them as well. People who go to V Festival. People who just plain don't like rap music, apart from Eminem. That's who we're after. Stupid people with cash. For obvious reasons.

Therefore, a certain change in attitude is required. There will be less jokes. There will be less silly costumes. There will be less ridiculousness. Our fans will like it a lot less. But we don't care about them, we never have. All we want is cash. The cash of the stupid people.

We're selling out, people, and we're doing it NOW.






Disclaimer: The Plague Doctors reserve the right not to do any of the things they have promised they are going to do in this blog.

New Year, New DANGER

WHILE I was writing the last blog I had a brilliant plan to write a blog on January 1 and then write new one EVERY DAY for a WHOLE YEAR. And then I forgot. As New Year's resolutions go, that was a pretty short-lived one.

Now I'm thinking that maybe I can just start it now and finish it on January 9 next year. Which would be fine, obviously, except it would all fall down again when I go away next weekend to Lyme Regis, where the internet doesn't exist. So now I'm thinking I'll just try and blog MORE OFTEN. That'll do.

Yesterday I ate snails for the first time. It was in a French restaurant in Nottingham called French Living. They came in a special ceramic snail serving dish with a two-pronged snail spearing device. They were very tasty, but I suppose anything tastes good if you serve it in that much garlic butter. I'd have them again though. The restaurant was very good too.

Today I went for a walk in a place called Gotham. It's nothing to do with Batman though, and it's pronounced Gotem. It looked like this.

I got a bit muddy and had a nice time. I'm glad it wasn't like the Batman Gotham, I'm not interested in Batman, he's by far my least favourite superhero. He's not even a superhero, he's just a really rich man with a Messiah complex.

Then I went home and watched Liverpool capitulate against Manchester United. The game was pretty much over within half an hour, what with a penalty and a sending off both going in our favour. Still, it's always nice to beat Liverpool, so I celebrated by drinking a load of Guinness and port. It's like a rich idiot's Guinness and blackcurrant. It's nice.

GIGS OF THE YEAR

I went to quite a few gigs this year, a lot of them were very good. Here are my top five.

1. Crowded House, Manchester Apollo

I was reviewing this for the MEN, so I took Brother John as my plus one. We had incredible seats, we were on the front row. John and I are big fans of the Crowdies, you can't argue with songs like theirs, and they're such damn nice guys. Admitting a penchant for the House will get you about as many cool points as being a Nazi sympathiser in most quarters, but sod it, they're brilliant (Crowded House, that is, not the Nazis).
Highlights included saying hello to Neil Finn's dad in New Zealand via Skype, the entire crowd holding the final note of Better Be Home Soon for what felt like a full five minutes, and the most middle-aged, middle class middle of the road moshpit you've ever seen for Weather With You.
And this was all before Johnny Marr came on for the encore and they did Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want and There Is A Light That Never Goes Out. Everybody left grinning from ear to ear, it was an incredible gig, one of the best I've ever been to.

http://www.citylife.co.uk/news_and_reviews/reviews/10018314_review__crowded_house___manchester_apollo

2. Jonsi - Latitude

Latitude was rubbish this year, make no mistake. It was full of dicks, the line up was rubbish and there was a gang rape on the first night. I'm never going back. However, Jonsi on the final night was all kinds of amazing.
I'm not a Sigur Ros fan and I'd never heard any of his solo stuff before, so I wasn't expecting much. However, me and Bob (who I was there with) just stood there with our mouths open for a full hour and a bit. I remember at the time thinking, “If I was writing a review of this I'd say it was like a rave in a sonic cathedral.”
It was epic post-rock pop on a grand scale, culminating in a brain-exploding brilliant white noise crescendo. And he was wearing a very impressive feathery headpiece.
Needless to say, I bought his album as soon as I got back and it was shit.

3. LCD Soundsystem/Hot Chip – Magna, Rotherham

Two of the best bands at Glastonbury (more of which in a bit) coming together for a joint headline tour was the stuff of geeky electro rock fan's dreams. LCD are a brilliant live band, even if James Murphy is far too cool for school and does tend to shout a bit too much.
Hot Chip made one of the best albums of the year and are absolutely shit hot live, dismantling all of their songs and putting them back together in a different order just for a giggle. They've got properly amazing songs that make you dance and make you cry all at the same time. You just want to hug them all. And then dance some more.
Other highlights of this gig include the longest bar queue I've ever been in, during which I was recognised as a Plague Doctor by a man who tried to start a bar queue sing along of We Killed Everyone at Radio One. He didn't get very far, as no one else knew the song and just thought he was mental, but full marks for trying.

4. Scissor Sisters – Glastonbury

This year's Glastonbury was the best one I've ever been to. And I've been to LOADS, so there. The best non-musical act was the sun, which was so damn hot everyone almost died of heat exhaustion. As mentioned, LCD Soundsystem and Hot Chip were pretty damn ace and Pet Shop Boys and the Flaming Lips both played absolute blinders headlining the Other Stage.
Ash were as reliably fun as ever, and have some surprisingly good new songs as well, fully justifying our decision to see them over Stevie Wonder. Judy Collins in the Avalon tent was the biggest namedropper and owner of the loveliest voice on site. Avi Buffalo made me realise that I didn't hate all new guitar music, which was surprising. And where else can you go from Snoop Dogg to Kevin Eldon to Shakira?
But Scissor Sisters were probably best, because it was Saturday night, there was a glorious sunset, we danced like loons and then Kylie turned up. What more do you actually want?

5. Wu Tang Clan – Manchester Academy

Another review for the MEN with Brother John in tow, this was hilarious. They were an absolute shambles, no stage set, just eight mikes, a set of decks and a group of incoherent shouting men. But they were incredible. The whole place stank of weed and the predominantly male, white, middle class audience bellowed back every word. It was weird. But it was brilliant.
They plugged the film they're allegedly making. They brought the motherfucking ruckus. They urged all the ladies to get naked, which one of them did. They ain't nothing to fuck with. They urged us to check out their gravel pit, which we did, and we saw that it was good.