Plague Doctors in the Studio

We did some recording on Monday night. We convened at Kraak just in time to catch the end of Politburo's rehearsal. They were sounding good, like a panda in a bakery. Nick said he'd almost passed out through overheating, probably because he was wearing a woolly jumper under a thick leopard skin coat. He may have nearly died, but he looked great, which is the main thing.

Pleasantries exchanged, us Doctors got down to business recording vocals for We Killed Everyone At Radio 1 and Snipping Off Your Face. It went well, which was unusual. Plague Doctors recording sessions tend to descend into agonising torture, with John telling me I'm singing out of tune and me not being able to hear my out-of-tuneness due to my bad ears and having to do the same bit again and again until everyone goes a bit mad. But not this one. We were done and dusted in under an hour.

To celebrate, John and I ate Crème Eggs in the street and drank beer in Trof. Then we tried to buy some Guinness Foreign Extra (it's from Nigeria) but the bar was shut, so we went and drank some horrible whisky and felt ill the next day.

Our new recordings are being mixed by Dom off of Politburo, who runs Kraak, and they will be available on the Cabinet of Curiosity album that's coming out at some point. Eyes peeled etc.

An open letter to Simon Cowell

Dear Simon,

With all that Rage Against The Machine nonsense that happened over Christmas, you've probably noticed that some people are sick of X Factor. Also, it's been going a while, so it needs a bit of a rejig to keep it fresh. I think the main problem is the songs people are singing.

Mariah week? Big Band week? Wham week? Movie songs week? These were all very dull weeks. You need better weeks. I've come up with a few ideas to get you started.

• Holy Bible week. Contestants sing songs taken from the Manic Street Preachers' harrowing 1994 bleakfest, The Holy Bible.
  
  
• TV week. Contestants sing the themes to popular TV shows and adverts. This can range from doing the full Only Fools and Horses, to just going “doo doo doo doo” to the theme from Animal Hospital. Anyone doing an advert has to repeat the jingle enough times for it to fill the two minute slot eg Autoglass repair, Autoglass replace x 23.
  
  
• Electropop week. Contestants sing songs by one of three artists: Pet Shop Boys, Erasure and The Human League. At a push, they might be allowed to do Only You by Yazoo.
  
  
• Northern Soul week. Contestants sing hopelessly obscure but entirely uplifting Northern Soul songs. They also have to do that mental fast dancing where they sprinkle talcum powder on the dancefloor first.
  
  
• Paul Simon and Ice T week. Contestants sing one song by tiny harmonic Jew Paul Simon and one song by big shouting cop killer Ice T.
  

Let me know what you think Si.
Love Paul

PS I've heard you're ill and Louis Walsh has had to take your place on Britain's Got Talent. Get well soon.

Cheryl Cole made out of cheese

Here is a picture of Cheryl Cole made out of cheese.

Here are some other pop-related people made out of cheese.

• Edamski
• Paris Stilton
• Brie-an McFadden
• Babybel & Sebastian
• Mozzer-ella
• Le Roulé
• Simon The Laughing Cow-ell
• Wensleydale Winton
• Pecorino Bailey Rae
• Ched(dar)ward
• Blue

Can you think of anymore? Why not let us know?

England's Brave John Terry

So England's Brave John Terry had an affair with Wayne Bridge's girlfriend. What a brave boy! And he got her pregnant! And paid for an abortion! Brave little soldier.

Actually, I'm not sure anyone's worried about the morals of the whole piece; it's far too removed from reality for any normal person to care about. A rich man had an affair with an attractive woman? French underwear models, childhood sweethearts, cuckolded team-mates? Heard it all before, really. It's all a bit Footballer's Wives. What people are upset about is the fact that he tried to cover it up. Not so brave on that count, were we John?

Going to court to get a super-injunction to stop the papers printing details of the affair was his biggest mistake. You don't tell the tabloid press they can't do something: they don't like it. And he also gave all the papers plenty of time to get their stories together; his affair was an open secret. So when the super-injunction got overturned, the whole of Fleet Street simply printed the stories they'd had for weeks and John Terry ended up on the front page of every tabloid newspaper on Saturday and Sunday. They saved the bit about the abortion for the Sunday papers, just to upset him even more.

It was incredible. He even kept Tony Blair giving evidence at the Chilcot inquiry off the front page. A rich man having an affair with an attractive woman was bigger news than a former Prime Minister explaining why he took the country to war.

If he'd just admitted it at the time, he'd have still made a few front pages, but nothing like what happened at the weekend. That's what happens when you upset the newspapers, John. They get you.

We Love Jimmy Glass

So, Ghost Hunting got rearranged, it's now on Friday 26 February. Same rules apply.

Right formalities over, it's Friday afternoon and everyone's very bored in the office (Yes, The Plague Doctors have office jobs).

I'm so bored I can't think of anything to write about. I'm so bored I can't find anything on the entire internet to amuse me for more than ten minutes. I'm so bored I just drank a can of Apple Tango, just for something to do. And there's still two hours to go. It's the 2 o'clock lull. Nobody can beat the 2 o'clock lull.

Nothing's happening. We've just spent half an hour discussing which is better: Bolton or Huddersfield. There isn't a winner. I've just spent the last ten minutes watching videos of Jimmy Glass scoring the goal that kept Carlisle United in the football league. It's extremely moving, and at this vulnerable time of the day, I found myself close to tears. Someone should make a film out of it. Actually, scrap that, nothing could come close to capturing the glory of Glass; what they should do is show it on big screens in city centres to cheer up commuters. Actually, scrap that too, everyone would just get bored of it really quickly, and that would be a shame.

Brother Paul

Ghost Hunting with The Plague Doctors

Like most people, us Plague Doctors enjoy scaring the bejesus out of ourselves from time to time. And you, yes you, can join us. We're going on the Foxdenton Hall Ghost Hunt and Aura Reading Event. It's in Oldham on Friday 22 January from 8pm til 3am, more details at http://tinyurl.com/y98xrru

NB: This isn't Ghost Hunting with Girls Aloud or anything, there won't be any TV cameras. Neither will Yvette Fielding or Derek Acorah be there. We're not running it either, we're just going along. Basically, if you want to go ghost hunting, we'll be there too.

Also, if you do decide to come along, we'd rather you didn't try and talk to us. We prefer not to mix business and pleasure.

Kind regards,
John and Paul

Kingfishers Catch Fire & The Plague Doctors Live in Glossop

Happy New Year! To celebrate 2010 we'll be performing with our Cabinet of Curiosity friends Kingfishers Catch Fire at The Globe, Glossop on Sat 16 Jan.

Expect all the old hits like Wasting My Time, Diana Two Point Zero, Je m'appelle as well as our newest abomination Scorpion Birthday.

If you're on Facebook then you can RSVP here