Inside report on The Plague Doctors' new album

"I've never been totally satisfied with our sound" admits Brother John to me while tenderly placing a glass eye into his latest creation, a giant Peruvian Pelican. Everyone in this realm needs a source of income and The Plague Doctors are no different, Brother John J Hazakiah is a half arsed taxidermist, one of the most average in all of Britannia.

Digressions aside, the amount of effort the band have put into making their recorded music sound impressive pales in comparison to the amount of effort they have put into making their live shows entertaining. After a disappointing run on the live scene in 2010 and fearing their own mortality, the brothers decided it was time to focus on making some good recordings.


Brother John hard at work in The Kastle Inkredible

Six months ago they auctioned off a parlour full of Brother Paul II's family heirlooms and two of his Saabs, using filthy cash to buy up lots of exciting equipment that they will never fully understand.

The Plague Doctors are partially funded by a mysterious benefactor, my boss Mr Leonard Skully PhD. Last week he asked me to collect a microfilm of their work so far, naturally I've made a copy of it and here's one of the unfinished tracks...

Download Album Preview Track Here

Those boys won't be happy when they find out what i've done, i'm putting myself at risk here, I especially fear that big one who does the camp rapping. With any luck it'll give them a kick up the arse though and they'll actually finish something.

Milton Bigglesworth, secretary to Leonard Skully PhD


Mr Hazakiah, he stormed out of the room as soon as i'd taken this, we don't get on.

The Plague Doctors Sell Out

We haven't played any gigs for ages, for a variety of boring reasons. But don't worry, we're not just sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves, we're making PLANS.

John is beavering away in his bunker, tinkering with all kinds of magical devices in his endless quest to create the perfect sound. I'm coming up with all kinds of malelovent and malodorous schemes to make sure that The Plague Doctors remain the most incredible band in town.

I can't go into specifics, but what you need to know is that there will be CHANGES. The overall aim is to be reborn as a SERIOUS MUSICAL OUTFIT.

We want to burrow our way into the hearts of fans of the real music fans. Those people who don't like pop music, they like REAL music. People who like Mumford and Sons and Ellie Goulding. People who bought the xx album and think that the xx are their 'special' band despite the fact that everybody else in the whole stinking world is into them as well. People who go to V Festival. People who just plain don't like rap music, apart from Eminem. That's who we're after. Stupid people with cash. For obvious reasons.

Therefore, a certain change in attitude is required. There will be less jokes. There will be less silly costumes. There will be less ridiculousness. Our fans will like it a lot less. But we don't care about them, we never have. All we want is cash. The cash of the stupid people.

We're selling out, people, and we're doing it NOW.






Disclaimer: The Plague Doctors reserve the right not to do any of the things they have promised they are going to do in this blog.

New Year, New DANGER

WHILE I was writing the last blog I had a brilliant plan to write a blog on January 1 and then write new one EVERY DAY for a WHOLE YEAR. And then I forgot. As New Year's resolutions go, that was a pretty short-lived one.

Now I'm thinking that maybe I can just start it now and finish it on January 9 next year. Which would be fine, obviously, except it would all fall down again when I go away next weekend to Lyme Regis, where the internet doesn't exist. So now I'm thinking I'll just try and blog MORE OFTEN. That'll do.

Yesterday I ate snails for the first time. It was in a French restaurant in Nottingham called French Living. They came in a special ceramic snail serving dish with a two-pronged snail spearing device. They were very tasty, but I suppose anything tastes good if you serve it in that much garlic butter. I'd have them again though. The restaurant was very good too.

Today I went for a walk in a place called Gotham. It's nothing to do with Batman though, and it's pronounced Gotem. It looked like this.

I got a bit muddy and had a nice time. I'm glad it wasn't like the Batman Gotham, I'm not interested in Batman, he's by far my least favourite superhero. He's not even a superhero, he's just a really rich man with a Messiah complex.

Then I went home and watched Liverpool capitulate against Manchester United. The game was pretty much over within half an hour, what with a penalty and a sending off both going in our favour. Still, it's always nice to beat Liverpool, so I celebrated by drinking a load of Guinness and port. It's like a rich idiot's Guinness and blackcurrant. It's nice.