Last week I bought the new Joanna Newsom album, Have One On Me. I also bought Rachel Stevens' 2005 album Come And Get It.
But which is better? Let's find out, with the first of what might (but probably won't) turn into an ongoing series.
JOANNA NEWSOM/RACHEL STEVENS ALBUM DEATHMATCH
THE CONTENDERS
Joanna Newsom is an American woman who plays very long songs on the harp.
Rachel Stevens is a British woman who used to be in a pop band.
MUSIC
Joanna Newsom - It's a triple album, with 18 songs over 3 CDs. She does lots of long songs, which she wrote herself. Musically, it's all harps, strings, bells and whistles. Songs meander all over the place. Only two songs are less than four minutes in length. Requires patience.
Rachel Stevens - It's not a triple album. 11 tracks, plus two bonus ones. Every song could be a single. It's a straight up electro-pop album, which she got ace people like Richard X and Xenomania to write for her. It sounds like what Goldfrapp would sound like if they were as good as everybody says they are. It also sounds a lot like criminally ignored Norwegian popstar Annie. This is a Very Good Thing.
One of the songs on Rachel's album is called Je M'appelle. The Plague Doctors also have a song called Je M'appelle. Our song is better, but Rachel's song is good too.
WINNER - Rachel Stevens
LYRICS
Joanna Newsom - No Provenance
"And you, with your
'arrangement' with Fate,
nodded sadly at her lame assault
on that steady old gate,
her faultlessly etiolated fishbelly-face:
the muzzle of a ghost."
I have no idea what this song is about.
Rachel Stevens - I Said Never Again (But Here We Are)
"Now it's two weeks later
I feel such a traitor
Oh, I let you in my back door
You're the one who's creeping
Rough love's so deceiving
I said never again but here we are."
This song is about doing it up the bum.
WINNER - Rachel Stevens
ARTWORK
Joanna Newsom - On the cover, Joanna is lying on a sofa surrounded by all kinds of fancy things. She appears to be dressed as a flapper.
Inside, there are four very similar pictures of Joanna putting her hair up. Perhaps it's some kind of photo essay. She is wearing a dungaree/playsuit type affair and is showing off her legs.
Nice font.
Anyway, good effort.
Rachel Stevens - Look, Rachel is naked on the inside cover of her album. She's wearing some kind of necklace that draws attention to her bottom.
This is a reminder of Rachel's status as an FHM favourite.
She may be naked on the actual cover too, there's no way of knowing. It's just a shot of her face looking nice.
Bad font.
Again, good effort, but not as good as Joanna.
WINNER - Joanna Newsom
SINGLES
Joanna Newsom - Joanna Newsom has never had a UK hit single.
Rachel Stevens - Come and Get It spawned four UK hit singles, Some Girls (2), Negotiate With Love (10), So Good (10) and I Said Never Again (But Here We Are)(12).
Some Girls was the official Sport Relief charity single in 2004, which was a surprising choice considering it's about blow jobs.
WINNER - Rachel Stevens
DANCEABILITY
Joanna Newsom - Unless you like expressive interpretative modern dance, this is not a good album for dancing to.
Rachel Stevens - You can dance to all of this album.
WINNER - Rachel Stevens
DRIVEABILITY
Joanna Newsom - If you tried driving to this, you would crash.
Rachel Stevens - Very good driving music, just the length of the trip from Halifax to Manchester.
WINNER - Rachel Stevens
NICE SPRING DAY LISTENABILITY
Joanna Newsom - This album sounds very listenable on a nice spring day.
Rachel Stevens - This album does not particularly benefit from being listened to on a nice spring day.
WINNER - Joanna Newsom
OVERALL RESULT - Rachel Stevens 5 Joanna Newsom 2.
Well done Rachel Stevens!
