Albums Of The Year

It's nearly the end of the year, which is traditionally the time all kinds of magazines and other content providers reveal their favourite albums of the year. The Plague Doctors are no exception.

We've cogitated, coagulated and masticated over the very best that 2011 had to offer, and whittled down the 12,302 albums released this year into a list of the 50 very best. Each of these albums is a shining example of what makes it great to be living through such a culturally rich time in our musical heritage.

Now, without further ado, The Plague Doctors are very proud to present our 50 favourite Albums of the Year of Our Lord 2011:

1. That PJ Harvey one.

2. Jay-Z/Kanye

3. What else did I buy this year?
4. There must have been something...

5. Can't think what it was.

6. I meant to buy the Nicola Roberts album.

7. But I didn't.

8. I didn't even like the Jay-Z and Kanye album, it was pretty rubbish, there was, like, one good song on it.

9. That PJ Harvey album was pretty samey as well, it only had about three good songs on it.

10. This is embarrassing.

11. I listened to bits of the Stephin Merritt obscurities album on Spotify, does that count?

12. No.

13. I must have heard more than two albums that were released this year.

14. No, I didn't.

15. This 50 best albums of the year thing could take a while, couldn't it?

16. It's going to need some padding out.

17. Just stick some albums from 2001 in, no one will notice.

18. Andrew WK - I Get Wet

19. Spiritualized - Let It Come Down

20. Jay-Z - The Blueprint

21. The Strokes - Is This It

22. The White Stripes - White Blood Cells

23. 2001 was pretty good, wasn't it?

24. Yes.

25. Were you an NME reader in 2001, by any chance?
26. Maybe.

27. You missed off Amnesiac.

28. No I didn't, it's rubbish.

29. There must have been something else you bought this year. Kate Bush?

30. No.

31. Adele?

32. Nope.

33. Radiohead?

34. That was even worse than Amnesiac.

35. You heard it though? That means it can go on the list.

36. Oh. Okay.

37. Radiohead - The King of Limbs

38. Oh! I thought of another one!

39. Lady Gaga - Born This Way

40. I really wanted to like that, but it was no good. Sad face.

41. Do you think this lack of good records is indicative of the death of the album?

42. What?

43. Has mp3 culture equipped us all with short attention spans, meaning we no longer have the patience or desire to sit through an entire album in one sitting? Are people no longer interested in the idea of a record as a cohesive artistic statement? More worryingly, have years of picking and choosing our favourite two or three songs and thoughtlessly discarding the rest prompted artists to give up on the idea of the very concept of the long player?

44. Sorry, didn't read that, it looked boring.

45. Yeah, it was bollocks, don't worry, you didn't miss anything.

46. I think the reason there weren't any good albums this year was just because there weren't any good albums this year. There were LOADS last year, I bet there's loads next year as well.

47. The Plague Doctors album is due out next year as well, isn't it?

48. Yep.

49. I hope this whole top 50 nonsense hasn't just been a shameless plug.

50. Err...

THE PLAGUE DOCTORS - CORNFLAKES AND FLESH

COMING 2012

The Stone Roses

This week, The Stone Roses announced their return to the live stage next year with a couple of enormo-gigs at Heaton Park.

The Plague Doctors are pleased to announce that they will not be attending these shows in either a professional or personal capacity.

Actually, that's not fair, I wouldn't mind going. I used to love The Stone Roses, and John Squire is literally the only guitarist I've ever really thought was any good. The solo from Ten Storey Love Song was the first thing I taught myself on the guitar, closely followed by the intro to This Is The One.

Then I discovered all sorts of other music as well, but I still quite like The Stone Roses, and I'd quite gladly stick my head in at Heaton Park next June if I thought it wasn't going to be full of absolute arseholes. You know who I mean. Oasis fans. Kasabian fans. Football fans. Chanting RO-SES RO-SES RO-SES! Throwing bottles of piss and being unpleasant.

Also, I was a huge Stone Roses fan, but I never liked some of their biggest songs. Fool's Gold isn't even a song, it's just a bassline waiting for something to happen. For ten minutes. And I Wanna Be Adored is gauche and dirgey. So if they leave those two out, I might go.

They've threatened to write some new songs, which I'd be quite interested to hear.

However, I'd be mainly interested in hearing the following songs (apart from the bleeding obvious ones): The Hardest Thing In The World, Standing Here, Going Down, Elephant Stone, Mersey Paradise, Tightrope, How Do You Sleep?, Good Times, Tears, Breaking Into Heaven.

I think this incoherent excitable rant is clear evidence I need to get my arse in gear and buy myself some tickets.

BYE.

Instrumental Sampler of 'Cornflakes and Flesh' our upcoming album

Deep in the Kastle Inkredible, we Plague Doctors have been beavering away trying to make an album that can stand up to the reputation of our live shows. It's not been an easy ride, the surface world has been very distracting this year, months of our lives have been lost in our office worker guises. I need not repeat that this is a necessary evil, we have to gather more credits to survive, we have very expensive tastes.

Its taken us an age but we've put together an instrumental sampler of some of the songs recorded so far, fans of Je m'appelle need not fear, we're working on that one right now...

Press Play Now.

Eurovision

On Saturday it’s the 55th annual Eurovision Song Contest. I love pop music and I love a competition, so Eurovision is pretty much my idea of heaven.
There’s no escaping that the UK has done abysmally in Eurovision over the past few years, despite efforts by such luminaries as Andrew Lloyd Webber and Pete Waterman to turn things around. Hell, The Plague Doctors even gave it a try, but to no avail.
The fact is, we haven’t managed to put a decent singer together with a decent song since Katrina and the Waves won in 1997 with Love Shine A Light. And they were American.
In truth, I’m not sure that will change this year. The UK’s entry, I Can, by recently reformed Blue, isn’t that great, but it should get more than nul points.
Having watched the semi-finals, it’s shaping up to be another great night of pop music and competition. And then you start to think, once a year isn’t enough. Wouldn’t it be great if we had a song contest where acts fought it out weekly to be the most popular? On the television? For half an hour on a Thursday or Friday night?
Then you remember that we used to have this. It was called Top of the Pops and the BBC axed it in 2006.
THE IDIOTS.

In summary: Bring back Top of the Pops.

ROYAL WEDDING

I'm very excited about the Royal Wedding. On the day, I'm having a wedding breakfast of champagne and smoked salmon in my morning suit, then after the ceremony I'm heading outside for a street party, where there'll be spam sandwiches and Coronation chicken in top hat and tails.

However, I want to know more about what Wills and Diana 2.0 are going to be doing after the wedding. In the evening, Prince Charles is apparently giving a private dinner in their honour, followed by dancing. This sounds like it could be 'the do', but the reference to dancing is disappointingly vague. What are they going to be dancing to? More importantly, what will be the first dance? WE NEED TO KNOW.

Here's my tips:

James Blunt - You're Beautiful

They seem like the type that would have this as 'their' song. You know, a bit thick. Plus James was in the army and is massively posh, and so was and is William, so that's got to count for something.

Kanye West - Gold Digger

I just did an internet search and Prince William recently admitted to liking Linkin Park and Kanye West. I don't know enough Linkin Park to know if they've got any songs that would be hilarious to hear at the Royal Wedding party, but I'm guessing that they absolutely don't. However, the chorus to Gold Digger would certainly leave those in the Middleton camp in danger of choking on their Dubonnet and cokes. You can also imagine Prince Philip, nay, the entire Royal family, enjoying the song for its employment of racist terminology.

Abba - Dancing Queen

The internet also revealed that Kate Middleton likes Abba. First dance, Dancing Queen, job done.

Bodyrockers - I Like The Way You Move

It's their favourite song, apparently. Probably not the classiest of first dances at a wedding, but it's their day, let them do what they like.

Sebastien Tellier - La Ritournelle

Not a chance, I just wanted to mention it because it would be an amazing first dance at a wedding.

Elton John - Candle In The Wind '97

Probably not.

(Although the double A-side, Something About The Way You Look Tonight, would be a good shout.)

Inside report on The Plague Doctors' new album

"I've never been totally satisfied with our sound" admits Brother John to me while tenderly placing a glass eye into his latest creation, a giant Peruvian Pelican. Everyone in this realm needs a source of income and The Plague Doctors are no different, Brother John J Hazakiah is a half arsed taxidermist, one of the most average in all of Britannia.

Digressions aside, the amount of effort the band have put into making their recorded music sound impressive pales in comparison to the amount of effort they have put into making their live shows entertaining. After a disappointing run on the live scene in 2010 and fearing their own mortality, the brothers decided it was time to focus on making some good recordings.


Brother John hard at work in The Kastle Inkredible

Six months ago they auctioned off a parlour full of Brother Paul II's family heirlooms and two of his Saabs, using filthy cash to buy up lots of exciting equipment that they will never fully understand.

The Plague Doctors are partially funded by a mysterious benefactor, my boss Mr Leonard Skully PhD. Last week he asked me to collect a microfilm of their work so far, naturally I've made a copy of it and here's one of the unfinished tracks...

Download Album Preview Track Here

Those boys won't be happy when they find out what i've done, i'm putting myself at risk here, I especially fear that big one who does the camp rapping. With any luck it'll give them a kick up the arse though and they'll actually finish something.

Milton Bigglesworth, secretary to Leonard Skully PhD


Mr Hazakiah, he stormed out of the room as soon as i'd taken this, we don't get on.

The Plague Doctors Sell Out

We haven't played any gigs for ages, for a variety of boring reasons. But don't worry, we're not just sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves, we're making PLANS.

John is beavering away in his bunker, tinkering with all kinds of magical devices in his endless quest to create the perfect sound. I'm coming up with all kinds of malelovent and malodorous schemes to make sure that The Plague Doctors remain the most incredible band in town.

I can't go into specifics, but what you need to know is that there will be CHANGES. The overall aim is to be reborn as a SERIOUS MUSICAL OUTFIT.

We want to burrow our way into the hearts of fans of the real music fans. Those people who don't like pop music, they like REAL music. People who like Mumford and Sons and Ellie Goulding. People who bought the xx album and think that the xx are their 'special' band despite the fact that everybody else in the whole stinking world is into them as well. People who go to V Festival. People who just plain don't like rap music, apart from Eminem. That's who we're after. Stupid people with cash. For obvious reasons.

Therefore, a certain change in attitude is required. There will be less jokes. There will be less silly costumes. There will be less ridiculousness. Our fans will like it a lot less. But we don't care about them, we never have. All we want is cash. The cash of the stupid people.

We're selling out, people, and we're doing it NOW.






Disclaimer: The Plague Doctors reserve the right not to do any of the things they have promised they are going to do in this blog.